Thank you for coming over, Kasey! You’re welcome any time!

“In everything, make sure you are lead by the Holy Spirit.”
Definitely the best advice any of us could follow!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us!

Also, I know that offers of prayers are well intentioned, and I do welcome prayers, but it kind of opens up the wound afresh when someone randomly tells me they are praying for my fertility issues. I feel like I am being pitied rather than cared for. It only serves to reminds me of my “less-than” status for not having living children. Again, everyone is different on this, but I don’t want to hear that you are praying for me unless: 1. I am especially close to you and 2. we have been discussing this recently and I have asked you to pray. I encourage you to pray for your friends more than you tell them your are praying. If you are praying then God knows you are praying; the only purposes of telling your friend is to either encourage them or to make yourself feel better. Sadly it seems like more people say they are praying to make themselves look/feel better about the situation. God alone knows your heart, but what is encouraging to one person may be heart-wrenchingly painful to another so take care when throwing around the “I’m praying for you” statements. In everything, make sure you are lead by the Holy Spirit.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and telling us what hurts you. It will definitely help others be more sensitive.

Wow, I never realized you had 5 babies in heaven. And although I know you love Seth to death, I’m sure you miss those other babies incredibly. Thank you so much for sharing.

I can comment as one who has not been able to have children and have recently made the choice to stop trying or even hoping for it to happen (especially after some extremely difficult circumstances have happened in our life). After 10 years of marriage, it is time to move on, enjoy the wonderful marriage I have, and just be thankful for that. Not to say it doesn’t hurt, and I still don’t shed tears for the shattered dreams, for what could have been, etc. Read in another post today that once the decision has been made to stop pursing trying to have children (whether because of age or because of failed fertility treatments), you really need to give yourself time to grieve. No, you didn’t lose a physical child – but the dream, the ideal, the hopes that you have – you need to grieve the loss of those and then move on.

Now, what could be said or should be said. I will say, Mother’s Day is probably the worst day (or at least it was for me) to try to say anything. It was all I could do to get up and go to church that day – I dreaded it for weeks before, and usually somehow worked it out that I could work in nursery or children’s church that day and not be in the main service where mothers would be acknowledged and the sermon would be all about mothering. Completely well meaning people would try to give me a hug or even just squeeze my hand and say, “praying for you” and it would send me into a burst of tears. In some ways I wanted my hurt to be acknowledged, and in other ways I wanted to just be invisible or treated like a normal person on that day. Last year, a very well meaning person wanted to give me the “gift” that was being given to the mothers that day because she said I was a mother to children/relatives around me. I know that she totally meant well and she couldn’t have known at all – but it literally broke the dam I had tried hard to hold on my tears that day and I lost it all. I couldn’t bear the thought of walking out of church holding that gift when everyone around me KNEW I wasn’t a real mother.

So maybe a card or email beforehand or after Mother’s Day to the non-mother would be better – when they could cry in private? Although, some people may be very different than me and actually want something to be said that day.

I really liked this blog post’s way of acknowledging mothers from the pulpit on Mother’s Day – recognize all women – those who lost their mothers, those who lost children, those who have no children, etc. – https://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/

And other ways to minister or reach out to those who aren’t mothers all throughout the year – INCLUDE them. Plan a mommy date with another mommy (park, play place, etc.) and invite a non-mommy to go along. Usually those who don’t have kids are surrounded by those their age that do have kids – so who is left to be friends with them? Those that are 10+ years younger? and sometimes even those people already have kids.

Don’t treat them different – not want to take your kids to their house cause it isn’t kid friendly, think they are not capable of working with kids cause they have no kids, etc.

Anyways, just some of my thoughts! Every person really is different with this so you have to know the person.

I appreciated your words, Mary Ellen. Loved these 2 statements you made – “The reason I don’t ask because is not because I don’t care; I don’t ask because I don’t want to make things harder on you than they already are.” so compassionate!!

“Acknowledge their value as a person. Let them know how much they mean to you and why. A person doesn’t have to be a perfect mother or child, or even be a mother at all, to have value, purpose, and influence.” so true and so needed to hear again and again!