Comments on: Why I Don’t Recommend Love & Respect

By: Love & Respect is Based on Illogical Assumptions about Gender | Imperfect Homemaker

Tue, 16 Mar 2021 00:00:10 +0000

[…] post is part three in a series that describes some of the problems with the book Love & Respect. As you will find in the introductory post of this series, this is not intended […]

By: Ella

Ella — Tue, 09 Mar 2021 20:29:01 +0000

At first, I found this book encouraging, as it is biblical for wives to respect their husbands. But as time has passed, I have realized this teaching encouraged me to replace honesty about difficult and wrong things in my husband with quiet “respect (not saying anything).” This is not biblical or healthy in a marriage. The bible is always the best marriage wisdom, but another book I have found helpful in good counsel for wives is “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace. Much more biblical and balanced perspective, which gives no room for abuse.

By: Can Christian Marriage Books Harm Women? A Review of The Great Sex Rescue | Imperfect Homemaker

Fri, 05 Mar 2021 00:45:08 +0000

[…] (Side note: As someone who works with Christian women escaping domestic abuse, I can tell you that if you ask around among these women, you will learn that Love & Respect was their abuser’s playground. An abusive man uses the term “respect” as a weapon to control his wife. Any time she refuses his unreasonable demands he claims that he does not feel respected by her and that is why he acts unloving to her. He holds basic kindness hostage, knowing she will strive to meet every demand in order to feel loved. And when she still does not receive love from her husband, she believes it is her fault because she still failed to make him feel respected. Instead of realizing that this form of coercive control is abuse, she believes from the book that she can help him be more loving to her by doing whatever it is that he says makes him feel respected. She does not realize that there will be no end to his demands. No husband should be making demands, large or small, of his wife, and to do so by manipulating her desire to be a godly wife is ungodly on his part. There is nothing in the Love & Respect book that explains to a woman that this dynamic is abusive. Any offhanded disclaimer that a woman experiencing abuse should seek help is of no value because virtually all abuse victims do not even realize what they are experiencing is abuse. This is especially true if the abuse is perpetuated without physical violence but instead by using a godly wife’s tender heart against her by making her feel that she is to blame because she somehow failed as a wife.) Update: After more questions, I've started working my way through writing an entire series that explains the problems with Love & Respect very thoroughly. You can read the series on Love & Respect here. […]

By: MaryEllen

MaryEllen — Thu, 04 Mar 2021 15:53:03 +0000

In reply to Wendy. Thank you for sharing your story, Wendy. I'm so sorry that your desire to honor God was used against you in this way. I hope you are safe and healing, but as you said, there are still consequences that will remain, and for that I grieve with you.

By: Wendy

Wendy — Thu, 04 Mar 2021 15:48:42 +0000

Speaking as one who has been very deeply hurt by the ideas in this book. I can attest to the fact that if both people are true followers of Christ and not prone to abusive behavior then this book would probably be okay, but then most likely they wouldn’t really need to read it because they are already loving, kind, and respectful. Coming from someone who lived in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 16 years, this book encouraged my husband’s abuse and only made me feel that apart from perfection I was to blame for the abuse I was suffering. My ex-husband taught the DVD class numerous times to our small church, but never one time lived out his part of the book, yet I was expected to live it out perfectly. I can tell you the damage is huge to a spouse that has a heart for God and is in a marriage with a narcissist. Perfection wouldn’t have been enough.

I was on one of the love and respect podcasts anonymously and was praised for my effort to continue to respect in spite of obvious abuse. Mr. Eggerich stated that if my husband didn’t change our marriage would be troubled (shocker), but I was to suffer for Jesus and continue to give and respect. 16 years later I found out my husband was living a double life of homosexuality, porn addiction, adultery with both women and men, and I was told he was a covert narcissist. My life was endangered, my children were in danger and I was completely discarded once I stood on safe boundaries. I wish I knew about narcissism earlier, I would have stood my ground on my boundaries a lot earlier. I recommend reading scripture first. It doesn’t work unless both are willing. Read boundaries in marriage instead if you think you are in a marriage with an abusive person or a narcissist. This book will only enable their behavior. They will love it and use it to abuse you more. I stayed years longer than was safe or healthy. I am grateful I am alive and my children are safe, but it was not without consequences.

By: Janie Smith

Janie Smith — Wed, 03 Mar 2021 15:16:48 +0000

I can’t remember the title but there was a book that I read years ago that was HORRIBLE advice! It was one that said a woman should think of herself as an actress playing the role of a wife. This was suppossed to make it easy to accept verbal abuse!

By: Lindsay Clevidence

Lindsay Clevidence — Wed, 03 Mar 2021 11:17:13 +0000

I appreciate your post. I did this book years ago in a Sunday school class and honestly didn’t get anything out of it. My favorite marriage books are the For Women Only and the For Men Only books. Are you familiar with them? They have impacted me deeply and I know many others that have been helped by them as well. I agree with not stating theory as biblical. It’s good to hold anything up to scripture.

By: Halee

Halee — Wed, 03 Mar 2021 04:19:30 +0000

Thank you for not being afraid to speak out on this subject! I agree that we need to be very picky about what we read and always weigh it against scripture. There is a lot of “Christian” literature that is nowhere near Bible-based! I haven’t read this book, but I’ve seen it around. If nothing else, this has been a good reminder for me to compare everything I read, see, or hear with Scripture!

By: Gina DeVaney

Gina DeVaney — Wed, 03 Mar 2021 03:05:22 +0000

Thank you, thank you, thank you for exposing this book!

By: Renae

Renae — Wed, 03 Mar 2021 02:30:02 +0000

unbiblical is unbiblical.
If an author starts to take scripture out of context , then you need to run.
I’m all for christian authors, but we need to be more wary. The bible and prayer should be our first source for any issue.
So I thank you for starting the conversation.

This is a book I have on my shelf . But I didn’t get far in it , and now I’ll set it aside .