When Your Teen is Headed the Wrong Direction

Full disclosure: I have never parented a teen.  My oldest child is only 7.  I'm not claiming that I will get it perfect when my own children are teens.

However, at the same time, sometimes things seem to be more clear when you are not personally involved in the situation.  It's a lot easier to think objectively when your own emotions are not tied to a situation.  I know I'm not in your shoes yet, and I fully respect that, but I also know that my thinking comes from an unbiased point of view.

So, with all that said, here goes:

I see many parents of teens or young adults who are not happy with the choices their children are making.  They don't want them doing some of the things they do, but they feel powerless to do anything about it.  Some of their reasons for not intervening are as follows:

• “I can't make his choices for him forever.”
• “Telling her she can't do that will only estrange her and make her more rebellious.”
• “I'm just not sure what to do, so I will let things play out and hope for the best.”

I have watched various families who deal with teen issues and even watched things go on in my own family growing up where I have thought, “How in the world would I deal with this if I were the parent?!  What a tricky situation!”

I've always been a ponderer, so rather than feel sorry for the parent and move on with my life, I almost always mull over and search out what I believe to be the Biblical answer to these tough questions so that I will not be caught off guard when tricky parenting situations inevitably arise in my own life.

When it comes to the teen who is running around with the wrong friends, wasting too much time playing video games, wearing inappropriate clothing, watching ungodly movies, or you name it, how should a Christian parent act?

As I was pondering this question, the Lord brought to mind the passage about Eli and his sons where God said he would judge Eli because his sons made themselves vile and “he restrained them not.”

Yes, it was crucial for Eli to restrain his sons' wickedness because of their leadership position, but did you know your teenagers are also leaders?  They are leaders whether they want to be or not.  I cannot tell you how many times my son has worn a certain thing, said a certain thing, or did something a certain way because (insert teenager he knows) does it that way.  Your teenagers are an example to everyone around them – younger children who look up to them, their co-workers, their friends, their siblings.  Are you going to allow your teen to go unrestrained when they are leading so many people – for good or for evil?

It's okay for you to tell your daughter she needs to go change out of her immodest clothing.  It's okay for you to tell your son he may not have a smartphone because he is using it to interact with inappropriate people on social media.  You are the parent; he is the child, and as long as he lives under your roof, you get to call the shots.

Will your child be angry with you?  That's very possible.  But loving your child isn't necessarily doing what you have to do to keep them from being angry with you.  Loving your child is doing what's best for them spiritually even though it will hurt as a parent to hear the “You're so mean!”s  and see the angry looks.

The direction your child is heading determines their destiny.  The Bible tells many times that the path of the foolish leads to destruction but the path of the righteous leads to blessing.  Which direction is your child headed?

Is it truly loving to allow your child to continue down the wrong path – the dangerous path – just because you don't want them to be angry with you?

Yes, parents of teens.  Restraining your teen is the right thing to do.

However, I completely understand the concern that doing so will cause your child to become embittered and withdraw from you.

What is vitally important throughout the entire process is to show unconditional love and grace, and to show through your actions how much you value your child.

Steps to follow when you must restrain your teen:

1. Apologize

If you have not already been working to maintain a close relationship with your child, it is super important that you apologize to them for your lack of time and attention.  Explain to them that you have allowed other things to get in the way of your relationship but that from now on you are committed to making them a priority.

2. Explain

When it's time to tell your child that they are no longer allowed to go out with those friends or watch those movies or use those apps, explain to them why.  Even though they may not be happy about your decision, they still need to know deep down inside that you are ultimately doing it because you care about them and that you're not just on a “power trip” as I've heard so many teens accuse their parents of doing.

3. Spend time

Now that you've committed to your child that you will make them a priority, it's time to do it!  Take your teenagers on dates, eat dinner together as a family, turn your phone off when they start talking to you and give them your undivided attention.  Go to great lengths to be at every ball game, show up with chocolate when your daughter is emotional, and say yes to as many things as you possibly can, especially when it involves the family spending time together.  These things will take sacrifice, and you will have to give up some of the things you might want to do, but that is exactly how your teenager will know how much you value them – when you are willing to give up your own agenda to do what's best for them.

4. Extend unconditional love, forgiveness, and grace

Remember that your teenager has a sin nature – just like you!  They will make mistakes, but that does not mean they need a lecture every time or an over-the-top punishment.  Speaking with gentleness and understanding will go much further than displaying anger and frustration.

5. Grow together

Do you want your teenager to be impacted in an incredible way?  Be open with them in sharing your own struggles with sin and grow along with your teen.  They will see that mom and dad aren't claiming to be perfect and don't expect them to be either.  How much more motivating would it be for a teen to humble himself and seek help when he needs it if he knows his parents are not viewing him in a spiritually condescending way?  If he has seen their own honesty and watched them use the Word of God to overcome their own sin?

In conclusion, I will once again admit that I have never parented teens and definitely don't have the “corner on the market” when it comes to parenting advice.  But I do have the Word of God, and I firmly believe that parents of teens are doing their children a grave disservice when they turn away with a sigh rather than addressing their child's sin head-on.

Should they pray about it and ask God to change their child's heart?  Absolutely.  But you are still your child's parent and God has given YOU the responsibility to lead them.

Not only do I have the Word of God, but I have my own experience as a teen to look back onto and observe my own parents who have raised 4 children who are now grown and all serving the Lord.

Were there times my parents had to tell me that I couldn't go somewhere or wear something or watch something?  Most definitely.  But what's interesting is that even though I wasn't happy about it, I was deep down inside very glad for those boundaries and restraints.  A mom and dad who wouldn't let me do whatever I wanted spoke VOLUMES to me – it said “They care!”  I think having parents who turned away with a sigh would have been devastating emotionally.  Watching them turn away wordlessly would say to me that I was not worth the effort and that they truly didn't care where I ended up in life.  I am sure I hurt them sometimes by things I said or eye-rolls that I gave them.  But at the same time I was so secure in knowing that they were watching out for me.  I knew without a doubt that they did not hate me.

Parents of teens, please don't end up like Eli.  When others speak of your family in the future, “Whatever happened to ____'s kids?”, don't let the answer be a set of downcast eyes, a shake of the head, and the sad commentary that “he restrained them not.”