The Unforeseen Reason Your Child is Rebellious

THE STORY

“What are you doing?” I asked my son.

I saw the door of my husband's shed hanging open and smelled spray paint fumes, so I was little nervous to find out what was going on.

“Were you using Daddy's spray paint?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“Are you allowed in Daddy's shed?”

“No,” he answered as he lowered his eyes.

“Do you think you should be using spray paint without permission?”

“No.”

“Well, you need to go sit on the porch. You may not play right now if you're going to be using Daddy's things without permission.”

We both sat on the porch, just talking about whatever happened to strike my son's fancy at the moment. After I while I told him he could go back and play, reminding him to stay out of daddy's shed.

He enjoyed the rest of the afternoon playing and he stayed out of daddy's shed.

No drama.  Just a mom remembering that her kid is…well…a curious kid and a son listening to his mother's reminder that he needs to follow instructions.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY

BUT.  Let me be totally honest here, even though it's going to make me look really bad.

There was a time when my children were younger that I would have handled that situation MUCH differently.

Here's how it could have gone:

“What do you think you are doing, young man?” I asked with my hands on my hips and my eyes glaring a hole straight through my son's body. “Were you messing with spray paint? You were! Son, you know better than that! You know good and well you are not allowed in daddy's shed. And furthermore, if you WERE allowed in Daddy's shed, you certainly wouldn't be allowed to be using spray paint. Why are you messing with stuff you know good and well you shouldn't be touching? You are done. D-O-N-E, done! Get in the house. If you can't play out here the way you're supposed to you're not going to play out here at all.”

After I caught my breath after that tirade, I would have seen him into the house, a few more words of rebuke leaving my mouth as we went.

And here's the sad thing. I would have thought I was doing what I needed to do to help my son turn out right.

“He's so rebellious!” I would have thought to myself. “He KNOWS not to go in the shed and he did it anyway! He's GOT to learn to do right! I hate having to be so strict with him, but he's got to learn!”

Now, don't get me wrong. Sometimes we do have to lay down the law and not budge in our stance. I'm not saying that we should let our kids get away with disobedience and there not be any consequences.

But I don't think that being so hard nosed about every little incident is the right way to lead our children.

CREATING REBELLION 

I think we can actually create rebellion in our children that wasn't there to begin with. We tell them by our reactions to their childishness that they are rebellious. If we make everything into head-butting battle, they're going to butt heads back!

I wrote about this concept in What I'm Learning about Child Training from an Olive Tree.

Here's what I wrote:

“Extensive pruning…can actually do more harm than good to a young olive tree. One olive gardening manual warns that “A determination to form the perfect shape by excessive pruning will weaken the young tree and stunt its growth for a number of years.” For this reason, olive growers do not do much pruning at all for the first 4 or 5 years of a tree's life. The only shoots that should be eliminated are those that compromise the definitive shape of the plant.

Olive tree lesson: Nitpicking at my children is only going to discourage them and make them feel like it's pointless to even try. The only thing I should be removing from my children's lives are those things that are actually going to point them in the wrong direction.

Do you discipline harshly for childish things like forgetting to put clothes in the hamper or make their bed? Yes, they need to do those things out of obedience, but sometimes children genuinely forget these things and aren't being purposely rebellious. Gentle reminders will do more good than giving them the 3rd degree for every minor offense.”

I understand why a parent will bring the hand of judgment down swiftly. We want our kids to turn out right, so we make sure nothing slips by! We see so many parents looking the other way when their children disobey and we don't want to be like that, so we are dead-set to lay down the law every single time they commit an offense.

But that mentality leaves absolutely no room for grace. They are imperfect human beings (just like their parents, by the way.) They forget things they've been told. Their childish curiosity overrides their sense of good judgment. And yes, sometimes they even consciously choose to sin. But I'm not so sure that a conscious choice to sin is the same as rebellion. How do your children respond to a gentle correction? If they put their hands on their hips, look you straight in the eye, and defiantly say, “No. I'm not doing it,” then yes, that is rebellion. But if they realize the error of their ways and are repentant about whatever it is they did, then committing the offense doesn't actually mean they're rebellious.  It just means they're a sinner.

THE GOAL

Don't set up your parenting goal to be perfect behavior out of your child. Perfection is impossible, and trying to attain it will only frustrate both you and your child.

Instead your goal should be to see a tender heart in your child, willing to listen to correction and right themselves when they've gone astray. You want your child to be able to sit down with you and make a plan to overcome their character flaws. Do you think they will be likely to have a tender heart and be willing to work with you when you always seem to be working against them?

Imagine you've made an honest mistake at work. If the boss confronts you about it with his hands on his hips, glaring a hole through you, does it really make you want to listen to correction with a tender heart? No, it makes you want to do the exact opposite of what he says. But if he comes to you and calmly says, “Hey, I noticed you forgot to ____. Do you think we could talk about figuring out a better system so you don't forget in the future?” then you are much more likely not to get defensive and butt heads with his correction.

Swift, harsh judgment created an attitude of rebellion, while gentleness and understanding produced the desired result.

Likewise with our children, swift and harsh judgment will create an attitude of rebellion, while gentleness and understanding will produce the desired result (a tender heart, willing to heed correction.)

Again, I want to be careful here not to seem like I'm advocating NO discipline. There surely is a time and a place for it. But let's be careful not to create rebellious children by expecting perfection.

In closing, these are the two ideas I hope you'll take away from this article:

1. Change your goal from perfect behavior out of your children to instead an attitude of willingness to heed instruction and correction.
2. Don't be so swift to bring down harsh judgment for their mistakes. Your demeanor can make the difference between their willingness to work with you or to butt heads against you.

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

3 Resources to Help You Simplify and Organize Your Life

As we have worked our way through the Parenting with Gentleness series, I've asked what some of your hindrances to parenting with gentleness are. One common problem I've seen is that you feel irritable because you're constantly running late or you're overwhelmed with all that you have to do.

I can definitely relate!

There was a period of time where I hated it when we had to go somewhere because I felt so stressed with trying to get everyone ready on time. I was barking orders at my kids and huffing impatiently at them.

We would finally all get into the car and I would feel like the world's worst parent because I had been…well…not very gentle as I helped them get ready to go.

I knew we needed a change, and it didn't take much to make it. I just needed to SIMPLIFY and ORGANIZE our life.

We really didn't have all that much in our schedule, so I didn't have to worry about cutting out a ton of stuff, but our routines were not very organized.

I was not allotting enough time for the various activities in our day, and it made me feel rushed – which translated into stress – which translated into gruffness with my kids.

Simplifying required cutting out some things from our schedule.

I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not supermom. Actually I had to realize that I am not even remotely close to being able to pretend to be supermom.

I'm not talking about reducing from 3 extracurricular activities to 1. I'm talking about making my daily schedule something like:

1. Feed family breakfast.
2. Feed family lunch.
3. Feed family supper.
4. Possibly do laundry.

That might be a little bit of an exaggeration, but not much. I had to cut things down to the bare minimum because stuff just takes me forever. Dealing with chronic illness that makes just getting dressed and brushing my hair a chore sometimes. Having a baby that I have to stop to feed and change, homeschooling which we can't exactly skip, and trying to keep the house decently tidy, are just about all that I can handle.

I don't like it, and there is so much more I'd like to fit into my day, but I had to be honest with myself and admit that I just can't do it.

(Which is why I've been MIA for several days out of this 31 day series, by the way. 🙂 ) Plans don't always go as I'd hoped, and I'm learning not to cram stuff into my day just because I want to. It makes me grouchy, and that's not what my family needs! )

Along with SIMPLIFYING, I needed to be better ORGANIZED.

Trying to get somewhere on time was stressful partially because I was not prepared.

Instead of waiting until the last minute to get everyone dressed and ready, I needed to have clothing laid out, diaper bag packed, etc. well in advance. The more that I have prepared ahead, the more my stress level goes down. With a lowered stress level it's much easier to be the type of parent I ought to be, smiling and gladly helping a child buckle their seat belt instead of grumping at them (I think I just made that phrase up) for not getting buckled faster.

There are a few different tools that have helped me over the years to be better organized, and I highly recommend them to any parent who is constantly stressed out from feeling like life is chaotic.

(Disclosure: affiliate links are included.)

1. Sink Reflections

Flylady is fantastic!  You will hear her ask often “Are you grouchy at your babies?”

She knows all too well that chaos makes you a not-so-gentle mama.

And she will help you step-by-step to make your way out of that chaos.  (Read more about that book in this post.)
2. Tell Your Time

This book is short and sweet, but it packs a punch in terms of helping disorganized moms get their act together!  It really helped me think through what all I could reasonably expect to include in a day. You can read more about it in this post.)
3. Make Over Your Morning

This is a fantastic course that will teach you how to start your days smoothly – which will make the entire rest of your day go better!

It's quick and easy (because you're already overwhelmed!) but yet the help it will give you will make a huge impact on your days!

Read more about it in this post.

Friend, if you're struggling with being too gruff with your kids simply because you feel behind all the time, you can remedy that!

You don't have to keep trying harder to be calm with your kids; you can remove the source of the stress that's making it so difficult in the first place!

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

When Homemaking Is Not Your Strong Point

If you're like me, you have to shake your head sometimes at the women who seem to be so natural at all things domestic. I sure love being a homemaker, but I don't really feel like I'm good at certain parts of it.

Do you ever feel that way?

Maybe you look at that person who always has a clean house even if you drop in unannouced and wonder how in the world they do it?

Or you see the lady who is so incredibly organized and wish you could even spend one day that organized?

Maybe you have a running list in your head of stuff you wish you were better at: cooking, cleaning, mothering, or even spending more time in God's Word and prayer.

I know that when I start thinking about all of the areas I frankly stink at, it can be discouraging.

I'm determined not to beat myself up over areas where I'm not perfect, but yet I'm detrmined not to just settle in where I'm at either.

I want to watch others who have mastered a certain aspect of homemaking and learn from their strenghths. What can I glean from how they are doing things that will help me improve in that area?

I hope that if you're discouraged about not being very good at certain aspects of homemaking that you will determine the same thing. Don't beat yourself up! Even those who we look up to as being “model homemakers” have their own struggles that we can't see from the outside.

Don't be discouraged, homemaker!  You are doing a great job because you are improving!

My Secret Weapon for a Cozy Fall

With shorter days and the kids being inside all the time, the house is bound to get dirty! Although I’d rather curl up in my bed with a book than spend hours scrubbing, I still want my house to be a clean, inviting space to spend time in.

Enter Grove Collaborative: my secret weapon for making my house feel warm and welcoming.

With Grove Collaborative, I can stay at home instead of dragging my kids around the store.

Grove delivers the best natural products right to my doorstep, on my schedule. They remember my favorites, and remind me when I’m about to run out of hand soap or shampoo.  (Exactly what this scatterbrained girl needs!)
Plus, Grove introduces me to great new products that I never would’ve found at my local grocery store.

Two of my fall favorites: Mrs. Meyer’s seasonal scents in Apple Cider and Mum.  (My kids have voted the Apple Cider scent as their favorite.)

With Grove's exclusive offer for my readers, you can experience Mrs. Meyer’s seasonal scents for FREE!

The matching hand soap and dish soap in this free set are such a fun way to treat yourself as well as any guests that you might have.

The soaps are hard-working, but still gentle and non-toxic. I love that they come in festive bottles to make my kitchen instantly feel like autumn.

Isn’t this kitchen towel wonderful, too? It looks beautiful in my kitchen and is super absorbent for drying dishes.  I've had several of these for a while and they are my favorite kitchen towel ever.
You can get this set for free, in your choice of Apple Cider or Mum scent, when you sign up for Grove Collaborative using my link:

• Free Mrs. Meyer’s fall seasonal hand soap
• Free Mrs. Meyer’s fall seasonal dish soap
• Free Mrs. Meyer’s fall seasonal multi-surface spray
• Free Grove Collaborative Kitchen Towel
• Free 60 Day VIP trial

To take advantage of the offer, your order needs to total $20. You can put whatever products you want into your basket, but this is just an idea:

Grove Collaborative 70+ hour all natural soy candle $12.95
Grove Collaborative walnut scrubber sponges $3.95
Yes To Coconut protecting hand and cuticle cream $5.99

Once the free Mrs. Meyer's set is added on, you'll end up with around $80 worth of stuff for a little over $20!

If you’re already a Grove Collaborative customer, you can get the Mrs. Meyer's set at 50% off when you use my link. Don’t forget to take advantage of the free 60 day VIP trial! My VIP membership has paid for itself with free shipping alone, but I also get perks like price matching, exclusive sales, personal service, and free gifts!
You don’t even have to leave your couch to sign up — but you do need to hurry.

There are only a limited number of sets available and they always go quickly! Here’s how to get yours:
1. Sign up for Grove Collaborative here. You will receive the Mrs. Meyer’s offer for free when you sign up!
2. Answer 4 quick questions about your home that Grove Collaborative will then use to customize your first basket.
3. Once you’ve answered the questions, you can add or remove items from your basket.  Grove will put suggested items in your basket, but you are not obligated to purchase them specifically.
4. Once your order totals $20 or more, the free Mrs. Meyers set will automatically be added on to your order. Choose the combination of products and scents you love and receive in your first box.
5. You made it! Click Finish & Pay and place your order.
Tip to save: Once you’ve submitted your Grove order, be sure to sign up for the free 60 day VIP trial. You’ll get free shipping, free gifts, price matching, exclusive sales, and personal service.
Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post by Grove Collaborative and includes affiliate links. All opinions are my own & I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe my readers will enjoy.

If you have any questions at all, feel free to email me or chat with the customer service at Grove Collaborative.  They are super helpful!

One Thing to Teach Your Kids That Will Help You Be a More Gentle Parent

“Mommy, look at my picture!” “Mom, do you know where my book is?” “Mommy, can you braid my hair?”

Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mom, Mommy, Mom!

It was a caucaphony of sound, and my head was spinning as I tried to process all of the words that were being thrown my direction.

Thankfully, my husband was nearby to save me because I couldn't even think quickly enough to remind them not to interrupt one another.

He stated simply and calmly, “Hold it kids. You're all being rude to one another and rude to your mom.” Then he turned to me. “Why don't we demonstrate for them so they can get a better understanding of what they're doing and why they need to stop.”

So we both started talking at once to one of the children, each trying to talk over the other. Her eyes got wider and wider as she experienced what it was like to try to process all the noise and commotion.

She understood very quickly, as did the rest of the children, exactly how I felt when they were all talking at once to me.

“I can't even hear what you're saying!” she wailed.

“Yes. Now you understand how your mother feels when all of you are trying to talk to her at once,” he gently told her. “No wonder she feels like screaming ‘STOP IT!' when you're all talking at once. Do you see why you need to wait when someone else is speaking? You all have been thinking only of yourselves instead of putting others first. It's rude to interrupt, both to the person you are interrupting and the person to whom you are both speaking.”

We could have allowed the kids to continue talking all at once until I finally got to the place where I did yell, “STOP IT!”
And I could have become extremely frustrated when they continued to behave this way day after day, driving me to many more yelling moments.

But now that they understand the “why” behind the no interrupting rule, they will remember it a whole lot better.  And I won't have to deal with the temptation to holler at them when they forget.

We parents often forget the teaching aspect of parenting and go straight to the discipline.

Or we fail to teach them ahead of time and our teaching is done gruffly and out of frustration.

The above scenario could have played out much differently had my husband not been around. It could very well have been a “teaching moment” of “BE QUIET! Don't you know it's rude to talk all at once and interrupt each other!!!”
And then they wouldn't have actually learned anything other than, “I guess we'd better be quiet now because mom's mad.”
And mommy would go feel guilty because I just tried to teach my kids not to be rude by yelling at them. Mmmhmmm.

But now that they've been taught why they shouldn't interrupt, the next time they forget, I don't have to say anything other than, “Wait a second. Remember how it felt when mommy and daddy were interrupting each other and talking all at the same time?” And that's probably all I'll need to say before they correct themselves.

I'm now empowered to deal with interrupting in a much more gentle way, all because daddy took a few minutes of teaching time to help them understand why interrupting is rude.

Explaining “why” isn't going to be the right answer in every situation, especially with very young children who won't understand anyway.

But once our children get a little older, explaining why they should and shouldn't do certain things can actually be a big asset to your efforts to be a more gentle parent.

(Not to mention, it will help your children learn to do right because it's right and not because they are little robots, mindlessly doing the will of their parents. What will they do when you're not around to “program” them if that's the case?)

If you're looking for a good resource to guide in teaching your children the “why” behind what they do, I recommend this little study called “Because I Said So“. It's a Biblically based study for kids that will help them to see from Scripture why they should obey.

If you want to be a more gentle parent, don't be afraid to teach your children “why”.

This post is part of the Parenting With Gentleness Series.

How to Quit Being Annoyed When Your Kids Interrupt Your Plans

I'm sitting in Chick-fil-A, enjoying my meal, when my toddler pipes up, “I need to go potty!”

Or I'm sitting at the computer early in the morning, happy that I'm up early enough to get in a little bit of writing before the kids wake up, when I hear little footsteps coming down the hallway.

Or I'm sitting outside, reading a book while my kids play, but they keep calling to me, “Mommy, watch this!”

In every one of those situations, the temptation is to (whether inwardly or outwardly) roll my eyes and let out an annoyed sigh.

• “This isn't what I was planning to do right now.”
• “I'm hungry. I don't want to take you potty.”
• “I'm trying to get a little work done here; why are you up so early?”
• “Can't you see I'm trying to read? It would be great if I didn't get interrupted every two seconds.”

(Random thought: Why do all of my illustrations involve sitting? It's too bad they're not more like, “I'm trying to finish my one hour workout, and just as I'm getting ready to do my 99th push-up, one of my kids comes and sits on my back.” Anyway, I'll make a mental note that I need to be more active and get back to my point.)
As horrible as it sounds to get annoyed at my kids for…well…being kids, I know I'm not the only one who is tempted to do that. (I mean, if you never get annoyed at your kids, then I'm not sure why you're reading this post.)

But let me share with your what the Lord has taught me about that.

Number one, getting annoyed when my plans get interrupted is selfish, plain and simple.
How in the world do I expect to teach my children to think of others first when I'm showing them by my example that I think of myself first?

Number two, interruptions to my plans are just a fact of life when kids are involved. So instead of getting annoyed that I can't follow through with what I was planning to do, I need to fully turn my attention to the new, modified plans and enjoy them for what they are.
A kid has to go potty? Okay, so let me fully turn my attention to helping said child go potty instead of keeping my mind on the meal I'm not getting to enjoy right now. I can put a smile on my face and enjoy holding hands with my little girl as we walk to the bathroom. I can put my heart and soul into encouraging her for being such a big girl. I can make up a fun song about washing hands when she's done going potty. We can make funny faces at each other in the bathroom mirror.

And now the process of taking my little girl potty, something that had to be done regardless of what kind of attitude I had, has turned into a gentle parenting moment instead of a huff-and-puff-at-my-child moment.

Jim Elliot, martyred missionary to the Auca Indians of Ecuador, once said, “Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation which you believe to be the will of God.”

Learning to “be all there” makes a big difference in how we treat our children when interruptions arise.

Setting aside whatever I was hoping to do at the moment and fully engaging my heart and mind with what actually is occurring makes the difference between a frustrated, gruff parent and a mom who is gentle and kind.

Living to the hilt every situation that is the will of God includes loving my children with an unselfish love. (Titus 2:4)

You see, cuddling a sleepy child climbing into my lap while I'm trying to write is actually the will of God for me at that moment.
Joyfully encouraging a potty training child is the will of God for me.
Giving my attention to an excited child while they play is God's will for me.

I'm not in any way saying that the things we plan to do that don't involve our children are wrong.

But when they're not working out, it is not God's will for us to pitch a little fit because we're not getting our way. It's not God's will for us to treat our children rudely because they interrupted us.

It's God's will for us to accept the interruption as his plan for our day and choose to be all there (the new, modified plan) instead of mentally remaining all there (our original plan.)

I hope I've made some sense today, and I hope that as you encounter interruptions from your children that you will fully engage yourself with those interruptions instead of allowing yourself to become annoyed.

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.